I Don't Have the Right to be a Parent.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I've looked at Little ATJ and thought, "Seriously... wow."

His "cheesy-grin" that he does on command.

I don't have a right to be a parent.

I have been given the gift of being a parent.

I have been entrusted in raising a little soul into an adult. What I do in his life now will help to determine who he will be forever.

One of my favorite photos captured by Joy Studios this last fall

I think of the things that I value most; things that I have a harder time just lending out to people. Things that have no heart value to me, but mostly monetary. Things like my computer, our cameras, a car. These things I'm still quick to borrow to the right people, but there is still that little thing in the back of my head that says, "Wait... I'll get this back in the same shape... right?" I know they're replaceable... but there is still that quick thought.

I think of that, and then I think about how God gifts us, blesses us, trusts us, with a precious child of His. A child to nurture and take care of. A child that isn't truly ours, but the Father's.

A child.
A LIFE.
Not just a THING.

And He trusts ME. He trusts Joel and me. He has trusted us with what He values most. He trusts us with a little love that is irreplaceable.

That smacks me with a gratitude I've never felt. It overwhelms me with a sense of calling. A pulling. A challenge. Not only that. But a true satisfaction in my place in life.

I want more children. I truly desire it to the core of my being. I was made to be a momma. I know God has promised me more children. I know we will adopt someday, as well.

But if ATJ were the only child I were to ever have, I would truly be ok with that. Not just ok. But OVERWHELMINGLY FILLED WITH GRATITUDE.

I am going to give my everything into being a mother to Little ATJ. I am going to teach him to love the Lord with his whole heart, to let God direct every step. I won't teach him this through words alone, but through my everyday living.

I am going to show him how a woman of God lives and loves her husband, so that he can know what that looks like when he gets older. I'm going to teach him to let God pour through him, to love every person he comes in contact with. I'm going to show him the value he has.

I am going to live a life out of the gratefulness and the caution I feel in raising someone who is not meant for me, but for God. For the world to see Him through my son.

Wow.

What a gift that I've been given.

What a gift.

Treasure the children you've been given. Treasure the value of life you've held. You're blessed beyond measure.

Until next time,
Jenny

What I've Learned // Parenting Is Easy

Here's the deal:

 I think parenting is easy.

Mommy/Baby Selfies

Am I crazy?
Am I under-qualified because I'm a mom of ONE one year old?
Do I have the most perfect baby in the world?

I don't think so.

Daddy teaching Little ATJ how to jump on the bed.

I think parenting is easy; because I can't imagine no longer being a parent. That would be hard.

I've felt my child's hugs. I've heard him say "Mama," "Mom" & "Ma". I've seen him light up in the morning when I pull back the curtain that hides his crib from the rest of his bedroom. I've felt so proud of him for every little milestone he's made. I've heard his giggle and my heart has swelled with joy. I've rocked him to sleep when his aching gums were breaking a new tooth through and he needed that closeness and comfort. I've seen him grow, learn and discover the world around him...

...and I can't imagine never having this again.

This was snapped by my beautiful friend, Cassie. So thankful for this photo.

It's because of that mindset that parenting is easy. It's because of that perspective that the poopy diapers; the screaming in the car because he's just too hot and the air conditioning is not working; the stubborn little will that he has; all of these things are easy.


I've learned, in life, that it truly depends on your perspective.

Let me say this again.

Perspective is EVERYTHING.

One of my favorite lines of all time is from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: "If you want to view paradise, open up your eyes and view it." What are you looking at? What are you viewing?

One night Little ATJ was so fussy. His day had been an interesting one, and he just wasn't having it anymore. He was crying about everything that went a little bit wrong. I was holding him and he would kick and move around to stop sleep from overtaking him. I took him upstairs to put him to bed because, clearly, he was tired. He laid down and instantly closed his eyes. This is a totally normal thing when he's exhausted and needs to sleep. He closes his eyes and its the end of the story. No questions asked. It's time to sleep.

Fifteen minutes passed and all of the sudden he just started crying. I was a little frustrated at this point and walked up the stairs in a huff. It had been a long day for me and I was just really looking forward to sitting and doing nothing. This clearly wasn't what was happening, and I was getting a bit irritated.

I pulled back the curtain to see him just bawling. For whatever reason, he was not happy. I picked him up out of his crib, put his pacifier in his mouth, and just rocked him. He calmed down and fell asleep almost instantly. I stood there; just staring at him. And then it hit me (again).

I realized, again, one day I will hold and cuddle him for the last time. I've thought frequently of this. Questions such as, "When will I feed him his last bottle?" have come into my thoughts while I've sat holding him with his bottle. That night I stared at him and realized that I won't always have these moments. Knowing that isn't something to mourn. It's something to rejoice in. I know I won't take for granted these little things that I will one day miss. I squeezed him closer to me and held his face close to mine. I thanked him for not going to sleep right away. I thanked my precious little boy for being a little fussy that night. I thanked my little love for letting me hold and cuddle him for an extra amount of time that day. I reminded him, a few more times, just how much I loved him.


So, instead of focusing on how hard moments are. I cherish them. I know there are so many things that will happen for the last time someday. When one day I realize that I've never done it again, I don't want to regret not cherishing it. I want to know that I was purposeful in my relationship with my son. I want to know that everything I did with him, I was fully present.

There are many things I only will have with him for a short time. And it's because of this that I stay focused on how much I love being Mom.

4:30 AM while I was on a trip with him. I was going to send Joel a picture of us, saying how crazy 
it was that we were both awake at this moment, and he just lunges in and gave me a big kiss. 
It's these moments... these moments that just make my heart so warm.

Since becoming Mom, I couldn't imagine it any other way. And that, my friends, is why I find parenting easy.

Until I write again,
Jenny

P.S. If you want to see photos of my adorable #littleATJ you can look up his hashtag on instagram, and you're welcome to follow me! @jennifurfly

The Longest 32.5 Hours Of My Life // The Birth Story Of LittleATJ

It was the most amazing, most difficult thing I've ever done. I felt the closest I'd ever felt to God, but also the farthest.  Consumed, by Jesus Culture, was playing in the background; over and over and over again. In a 32.5 hour timeframe, we listened to that album almost 25 times. Every time the song Obsession came on; the lyrics "Sometimes, You're further than the moon. Sometimes, You're closer than my skin." stuck out to me. I realized later its because these words felt so true to me in this exact moment. Every time I started to feel like God was far away, I would feel His arms of love wrap around me, showing me He was there. He was helping me. The scripture "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." [Isaiah 40:31] kept playing over and over again, pushing me onward, telling me I would be alright.

Joel was my strong tower during this entire process. We had read Husband-Coached Childbirth together and there were so many things that he remembered and really applied during the home birth experience. Joel was there the ENTIRE time. He didn't leave me. He didn't go sleep. He was on 2.5 hours of sleep, just like I was on 2.5 hours of sleep. I truly do not believe I cold have done this without Joel there; holding me, pressing a hot towel on my back, and touching my forehead when I was furrowing my brow... which would remind me to relax my body and let it do what it was made to do.





I will always remember the moment Little ATJ was laid on my chest. With his eyes open, he tilted his face up to me, and smiled. My thirty-second old son SMILED at me. My mom said, "Did you see that?! He just smiled at you!" which proved to me I wasn't going crazy. The moment those little lips curled up every ounce of pain I had just experienced was gone. Every hour I had just experienced contraction after contraction no longer mattered. I had my son. I had my boy. Joel and I had done it.





The amount of love that I was overwhelmed with when I held that little one in my arms was something I never expected. Here was this tiny thing, only seconds old, and my heart.... oh my heart. Every bit of me that was made for loving my child all of the sudden burst forth and just overwhelmed me.



I believe one of the most beautiful gifts that some of us can be given by God, is a child. I have learned more from Little ATJ in how to love and be loved, than by almost any other experience in my life. I am learning something new everyday. The amount of love that I feel for my son is astounding. The fact that God loves us MORE than I love Little ATJ, and the fact that God dreams bigger for us, wants more for us, and desires to bless us more than I could ever want for my child just stops me in my tracks.

Think about it.

Just stop.

And think about it.

We have felt but a fraction of the love that God has for us. Whether you are a parent or not, there is someone you love. There is someone you want the best for. There is someone that you dream big things for. This person may be you. I know that I think of big dreams, I hope for big things. Since having a child, I think of even bigger dreams for him. My desire is for Little ATJ to surpass me in quality of life. I want to give him the world. I want to teach him the love of God. I want to show him how to allow the love of God to flow freely through him to every single person he meets.

God wants that more than I do.



I do not have the capability to dream as big as God. And that is fine with me. Where would adventure or blessings or miracles in life be if I could have a dream that was achieved and done with? I am constantly surprised by the newness that is brought every day. The love I have for my child is overwhelming.

To think that God loves me more...
I'm just astounded. I'm left speechless. I'm in awe.

I thank God for this opportunity to be a parent, and I believe that God will bless us with even more littles. I believe my heart has the capability to explode with love unlike any other for every new soul God brings into our lives.

I'm excited.

Until I write again,
Jenny

*All photos were taken by Natasha of Jennifer Christi Photography

P.S. I realize that not every person will choose to, or is able to, have children. I don't believe that children are the only way to experience the overwhelming love of God. I feel that having a child has been one way in which God has chosen to show us the love He has for us. I learn by doing, by being a part of something. This is a hands on experience in the love of God for me... this is what I write about. This is where I am. This is who I was created to be.

Little ATJ Turns ONE

I cannot believe I have a one year old... this just makes me look back and think of so many amazing things that being a mother has brought forth. My son is amazing. Joel and I are so blessed. We are so so happy.

This week I'm going to post the story of our little guy, as well as some things I've learned. But for today, I'm just going to post a photo of my lovely family & I'm going to tell you about my little love.

Things Little ATJ Loves

- sweet potatoes

- chewing on his crib... and everything else he can fit his mouth on

- crawling everywhere as fast as he can

- clapping when people say "yay!"

- throwing both hands in the air when people say "Praise the Lord!"

- going through the 'obstacle course' that is the legs of our dining room table & chairs

- crawling up stairs as fast as he can

- crawling downstairs

- his best puppy friends/sisters, Milka & Brindy

- pulling Milka's tail

- playing 'how high can Mommy stack the blocks before I smack the tower over?'

- throwing his head back and fake laughing

- fake sneezing

- laughing when Mommy sneezes

- pulling Daddy's beard

- playing in the dogs' food & water

- bathtime

- playing in the dirt of the plant at Great Grandma & Grandpa's

- peekaboo

- dancing... specifically to Sugar by Maroon 5, or any Crazy Frog song

- dog kisses

Things Little ATJ Does Not Love

- really sweet fruit

- having his face wiped off

- getting clothes put on him, or taken off of him

- when someone walks out of the room that he was just interacting with

- being told he can't play in the dirt of the plant at Great Grandma & Grandpa's

Random Facts About ATJ

- He has 7 teeth; 4 on top & 3 on bottom.

- He has stood for up to 30 seconds without holding on to anything.

- He loves to walk around along furniture, but will not walk if he isn't holding to anything.

- He is very particular about music, his favorite band is Copeland. If you play Copeland when he is very upset, he will calm down almost instantly and just listen. It doesn't matter what song by them, he just loves them. He isn't a huge fan of most pop music. He loves classic rock & show tunes.

- He is VERY strong, even in upper body strength. He does some acrobatic type things with me, which I love to do as party tricks.

Our wee one is one of the biggest blessings we have ever received. We are so thankful for him and so excited to see where God brings us and where he brings our little man. We pray daily that we are always a help to the plan God has for Him, and never a hinderance. This year is the first of many daily celebrations we will have. Here's to the next 365 days!

Until I write again,

Jenny