It was the most amazing, most difficult thing I've ever done. I felt the closest I'd ever felt to God, but also the farthest. Consumed, by Jesus Culture, was playing in the background; over and over and over again. In a 32.5 hour timeframe, we listened to that album almost 25 times. Every time the song Obsession came on; the lyrics "Sometimes, You're further than the moon. Sometimes, You're closer than my skin." stuck out to me. I realized later its because these words felt so true to me in this exact moment. Every time I started to feel like God was far away, I would feel His arms of love wrap around me, showing me He was there. He was helping me. The scripture "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." [Isaiah 40:31] kept playing over and over again, pushing me onward, telling me I would be alright.
Joel was my strong tower during this entire process. We had read Husband-Coached Childbirth together and there were so many things that he remembered and really applied during the home birth experience. Joel was there the ENTIRE time. He didn't leave me. He didn't go sleep. He was on 2.5 hours of sleep, just like I was on 2.5 hours of sleep. I truly do not believe I cold have done this without Joel there; holding me, pressing a hot towel on my back, and touching my forehead when I was furrowing my brow... which would remind me to relax my body and let it do what it was made to do.
I will always remember the moment Little ATJ was laid on my chest. With his eyes open, he tilted his face up to me, and smiled. My thirty-second old son SMILED at me. My mom said, "Did you see that?! He just smiled at you!" which proved to me I wasn't going crazy. The moment those little lips curled up every ounce of pain I had just experienced was gone. Every hour I had just experienced contraction after contraction no longer mattered. I had my son. I had my boy. Joel and I had done it.
The amount of love that I was overwhelmed with when I held that little one in my arms was something I never expected. Here was this tiny thing, only seconds old, and my heart.... oh my heart. Every bit of me that was made for loving my child all of the sudden burst forth and just overwhelmed me.
I believe one of the most beautiful gifts that some of us can be given by God, is a child. I have learned more from Little ATJ in how to love and be loved, than by almost any other experience in my life. I am learning something new everyday. The amount of love that I feel for my son is astounding. The fact that God loves us MORE than I love Little ATJ, and the fact that God dreams bigger for us, wants more for us, and desires to bless us more than I could ever want for my child just stops me in my tracks.
Think about it.
Just stop.
And think about it.
We have felt but a fraction of the love that God has for us. Whether you are a parent or not, there is someone you love. There is someone you want the best for. There is someone that you dream big things for. This person may be you. I know that I think of big dreams, I hope for big things. Since having a child, I think of even bigger dreams for him. My desire is for Little ATJ to surpass me in quality of life. I want to give him the world. I want to teach him the love of God. I want to show him how to allow the love of God to flow freely through him to every single person he meets.
God wants that more than I do.
I do not have the capability to dream as big as God. And that is fine with me. Where would adventure or blessings or miracles in life be if I could have a dream that was achieved and done with? I am constantly surprised by the newness that is brought every day. The love I have for my child is overwhelming.
To think that God loves me more...
I'm just astounded. I'm left speechless. I'm in awe.
I thank God for this opportunity to be a parent, and I believe that God will bless us with even more littles. I believe my heart has the capability to explode with love unlike any other for every new soul God brings into our lives.
I'm excited.
Until I write again,
Jenny
*All photos were taken by Natasha of Jennifer Christi Photography
P.S. I realize that not every person will choose to, or is able to, have children. I don't believe that children are the only way to experience the overwhelming love of God. I feel that having a child has been one way in which God has chosen to show us the love He has for us. I learn by doing, by being a part of something. This is a hands on experience in the love of God for me... this is what I write about. This is where I am. This is who I was created to be.
I will always remember the moment Little ATJ was laid on my chest. With his eyes open, he tilted his face up to me, and smiled. My thirty-second old son SMILED at me. My mom said, "Did you see that?! He just smiled at you!" which proved to me I wasn't going crazy. The moment those little lips curled up every ounce of pain I had just experienced was gone. Every hour I had just experienced contraction after contraction no longer mattered. I had my son. I had my boy. Joel and I had done it.
The amount of love that I was overwhelmed with when I held that little one in my arms was something I never expected. Here was this tiny thing, only seconds old, and my heart.... oh my heart. Every bit of me that was made for loving my child all of the sudden burst forth and just overwhelmed me.
I believe one of the most beautiful gifts that some of us can be given by God, is a child. I have learned more from Little ATJ in how to love and be loved, than by almost any other experience in my life. I am learning something new everyday. The amount of love that I feel for my son is astounding. The fact that God loves us MORE than I love Little ATJ, and the fact that God dreams bigger for us, wants more for us, and desires to bless us more than I could ever want for my child just stops me in my tracks.
Think about it.
Just stop.
And think about it.
We have felt but a fraction of the love that God has for us. Whether you are a parent or not, there is someone you love. There is someone you want the best for. There is someone that you dream big things for. This person may be you. I know that I think of big dreams, I hope for big things. Since having a child, I think of even bigger dreams for him. My desire is for Little ATJ to surpass me in quality of life. I want to give him the world. I want to teach him the love of God. I want to show him how to allow the love of God to flow freely through him to every single person he meets.
God wants that more than I do.
I do not have the capability to dream as big as God. And that is fine with me. Where would adventure or blessings or miracles in life be if I could have a dream that was achieved and done with? I am constantly surprised by the newness that is brought every day. The love I have for my child is overwhelming.
To think that God loves me more...
I'm just astounded. I'm left speechless. I'm in awe.
I thank God for this opportunity to be a parent, and I believe that God will bless us with even more littles. I believe my heart has the capability to explode with love unlike any other for every new soul God brings into our lives.
I'm excited.
Until I write again,
Jenny
*All photos were taken by Natasha of Jennifer Christi Photography
P.S. I realize that not every person will choose to, or is able to, have children. I don't believe that children are the only way to experience the overwhelming love of God. I feel that having a child has been one way in which God has chosen to show us the love He has for us. I learn by doing, by being a part of something. This is a hands on experience in the love of God for me... this is what I write about. This is where I am. This is who I was created to be.
