Year 26.

My birthday is today.

I'm officially 27. 

Let me tell you, this year is already off to a MUCH better start than last year.

Last year, on June 30th, I was admitted into the hospital. I spent the next 7 days sitting in a hospital bed, for the second time in a 1.5 month period. 

As many know, in April of 2014, I gave birth to our amazing little boy in our home. If you haven't, and you want to, you can read about the birth story by [clicking here]. Everything went perfect. It was long... but one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of. I'm so thankful I had that experience and will do it over again, in a heartbeat, if that is what God directs us to do with our future children.

Moments after Little ATJ was born. Just perfect.

Three weeks after giving birth to ATJ, I began to feel really, really sick. I was so sore in my abdomen, and I just believed that I was having a normal postpartum experience. This was my first baby, how was I supposed to know that you're not supposed to reel in pain if you hit a bump on the road while you're driving in the car? After two weeks of the pain getting worse and worse, along with me feeling drained to the point of needing to sleep all the time, while feeling miserable because I just wanted to be better and be with my baby, I ended up in Urgent Care. On May 25th I was admitted into the hospital. I was told I had abscesses in both of my ovaries, and that they needed to be drained.

(Just a side note; the doctors said they had no idea when or where this originated, and did not believe it was related in any way to me having a homebirth)

My amazing husband, sleeping in a chair so he could stay with me.

This is where I began to see the hand of God over me. Here I thought He'd left me out to dry... when in reality He'd been there all along. I was told, at this point, that my doctors were so surprised I hadn't gone septic; in which case I would have most likely died. When they drained my ovaries they pulled out 150mL from my right ovary, and 115mL from the other. That is over FIVE oz from one and almost FOUR oz from the other! The average ovaries range from the size of a nickel to the size of a quarter... and mine were holding about half a cup of fluid in each! Talk about the hand of God protecting me!

The doctors wanted to do a full hysterectomy. They wanted to take away my ability to have children. I know that there have been many women who have gone through this, but I knew this was not the thing for me to do. I KNEW that God told me I would birth more children, and I had no doubt in that. I declined to surgery and chose antibiotics. Although my doctor was rather skeptical, he heeded my request and only gave me the antibiotics.

I spent the week getting better and better, I couldn't BELIEVE how much better I felt. I had seriously forgotten what it felt like to feel well. It's an amazing thing when you begin to feel healthy again! Everything got back to normal & they released me from the hospital. I had some after surgery care to do, but I was SO HAPPY to be done with everything. My summer could officially begin!

One of my favorite pictures of me with my little goofball. We went and watched Daddy's soccer game!

Then, as I said when I started this post... June 30th came. I was told, when checking out of the hospital after my first visit, that I needed to make sure I didn't spike any fevers. This would imply that an infection was back and I needed to come in right away.

That day I was at my grandparents and I just felt so warm. I checked my temperature and I was at a temp of 102. I called the doctor to let them know, and they told me I needed to come in right away. We left for the clinic and I was just praying that I wouldn't need to be admitted again. It was my birthday the next day! I felt totally fine, besides this little fever. I was desperate and angry, crying out to God to make it better so I wouldn't have to be admitted and miss out on another week of summer.

Tears welled up in my eyes as my doctor said, "I'm really sorry, but I really don't think we can let you leave. We need to admit you into the hospital again." Anger. Frustration. Disappointment. Those were words to describe how I was feeling. Why? Why wasn't it gone? Did I not have enough faith? Was I doing something wrong? Why??? And seriously, WHY ON THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY???

I was thankful my sweet baby could be in the hospital with me so often. I missed him!

Again, my doctor wanted to do a hysterectomy. And again, I KNEW this was not was I was supposed to do. I told him I would do antibiotics for as long as I needed, but I did not want the surgery.

I spent the next 7 days praying and seeking God on why I was still in there. The question slowly started turning from "Why am I here?" to "What is the glory this is going to bring You?" Not because I doubted there would be glory brought to God, but because I was truly becoming excited that I was going to see some amazing things come from this. God is not the one who brought sickness upon me, the Bible says that God only gives us life, and life to the absolute fullest (John 10:10). I knew that God was going to be able to take this, and turn it around for His good (Romans 8:28). I became exceedingly excited to see what it was.

I was released from the hospital on July 7th. This time, I knew I wasn't going to be going back. I had full confidence that things were over and done with. Even if there was small traces of everything currently in my body, I would not be going back for another stay in the hospital. I would be finishing out my antibiotics and not going to anymore doctor appointments. I was through with this issue.

Taken by Joel on the day I got home from the hospital for the second time. I was so happy to be outside!

I was on antibiotics for a full 6 months before everything was cleared and I could "take the leap of faith" and go off of them. My doctor said we would just have to see if I was in the clear, or if I would need to, someday, get a hysterectomy to guarantee everything was done. He informed me that he doesn't believe I'll ever be able to have children again. He believes that my reproductive system is too damaged to even get pregnant. I'm not concerned. I've been assured by my Heavenly Father that I'll have more little ones, and I'm excited to one day send my doctor a birth announcement; thanking him for listening to me when I said I didn't want the hysterectomy.

The story doesn't end here.

A couple months back I began feeling a tenderness in my abdomen again. It was a familiar, dull pain that I recognized instantly. I knew I had something going on in my ovaries. This time though, I prayed about it and felt led to see a naturalist doctor who specializes in dealing with infections. He gave me instructions on things to cut out of my diet so that I could fully kill the infection, officially getting rid of whatever was there and knowing that they were dead and gone... not to come back. It's not a permanent diet change, but a temporary one, only to be done until the infection is gone.

Yesterday, I received an official "you are done!" from my doctor. I no longer have any infection in any of my reproductive system. I am set. I am ready to go. I can KNOW that I am cleared up. I'm not wondering if, someday, I'll begin to feel that pain again. I know that it is gone. I know that I am healed, healthy and whole.

There are so many things that I feel I'm leaving out of the story. I'll write about them, someday, if I'm supposed to. But I know this:

Last year, on June 30th, I was being admitted into the hospital for the second time, for an issue that was supposedly cleared up and done with. I had gone through a minor surgery and I had been on antibiotics for about a month already, yet none of this had fixed the issue.

This year, on June 30th, I was told I don't need to be concerned about it again. I spent 6 weeks watching what I was eating and taking natural herbs and vitamins. I know that my body is back to the way it should be. I have no doubts or questions.

God created our bodies to be amazing instruments. I found a doctor who knows how to read the signs and symptoms our bodies are giving and works with it to kill off the bad and continue to produce more of the good.

This year is off to a much better start. God has given me the gift of a beautiful testimony from something that looked so bleak. I'm able to excitedly say that I'm clean. My body is whole. I've seen God work and take care of me and my family. I'm so excited to see what's next.

Year 27, you're going to be a good one. I'm ready for you.

I know I just used this photo in another post, but it's the perfect representation of how I'm feeling about this next year.

Until next time,
Jenny

Living Eulogy // Amity Gray

Yesterday, I announced the new series that I'm starting called "Living Eulogy." To understand what this is and why I'm doing it, you can [click here]. I said I'd be doing them on Mondays, but since yesterday was the ANNOUNCEMENT day, I'm going to do a post today.

My first Living Eulogy is to one amazing woman:

Amity is one of the kindest and most gentle hearted people you could ever meet. Her smile is sincere, and her spirit is so soft. The idea of someone going without, or being in need of something, drives this woman to help out everyone she possibly can.

I met Amity when I was in high school in 2004. We would pass by one another in the hallways, but never officially introduced ourselves to one another until we worked at Subway together. We had a lot of fun during our shifts, but it was more in an acquaintance sort of way.

Fast forward to February of 2014: Amity messaged me because of something a friend had told her about, that our church does, and she wanted to get together and chat about some things. I told her I'd definitely get together and talk! Our little conversation turned into hours of amazing, in depth, discussion about God, life & what He wants to do in our lives. Since then we've started weekly get togethers to dig in deeper and seek God even more in what His plan is for us and for those around us.

As I've grown to know and love Amity more and more, I cannot help but be pushed and encouraged to follow and pursue God with the same passion and fire this woman has. If she's reading this right now, I know she is saying (with a very specific facial expression that I can picture in my head as I type), "Jenny... I'm not perfect." And my reply would be, "I know, Amity."

It's in that acknowledgement of imperfection that she allows herself to be vulnerable and open in the presence of the Lord. To see that He is the one who fulfills her, completes her, and molds her into the amazing woman of God He has planned her to be. She isn't too prideful for God to work on. She knows that she can always be moving ahead in her walk with Him and in the walk He has her on here on this earth.

Amity is married to an amazing man and has two wonderful children. The relationship that I've seen Amity & Elgin have is such a beautiful and inspiring one. They are striving to be the parents that God has intended them to be, and they are always working TOGETHER to achieve that. They support one another in ways that so few couples do, and they back one another up. They are truly a team. They know that in order to get anywhere as a family, it needs to be led by them, while they're being led by God.

One of my favorite things about Amity is definitely all the questions she asks. She'll text me randomly and just ask something like, "So, what did God mean here... I've been praying about it and I think He meant this... how do you see it?" or "I was reading the bible and I found this... what are your thoughts?" Her questions are always pushing me to dive in deeper in MY relationship with God.

This woman is an influencer. This woman is a world changer. This woman is a beautiful child of God. I'm so blessed to know her and to have a friendship with her that grows deeper and deeper in our relationship with each other and the Heavenly Father.

Thank you, Amity. 

Thank you for being you. For knowing that you are enough, and exactly who God wanted you to be. Thank you for pushing me to God. Thank you for the questions. Thank you for the conversations. Thank you for the friendship.

Love,

Jenny

And for the sake of entertainment:

This is the original face she made when I said I wanted to take a photo of her.

Living Eulogy Series // Telling Them NOW.

If you were to ask me what my vision in life is, I would tell you that I want people to realize that they are important. I want people to realize that their stories here on earth matter.

I'm a photographer, and I've had the amazing privilege of photographing stories of people in all walks of life. Some of these walks have resulted in heartbreak. I remember one photo session I had done with a family... they were such a precious family! They were laughing through their entire photo session and they were just having a genuinely good time together. I knew this family was one that had a whole lot of love for one another. The dad made me chuckle, as he seemed a bit more of a stoic type of fellow. But his adult sons and wife cracked him up time and time again. The smiles... oh, the smiles that happened during that photo session... it was something beautiful.

I received an email a few months after I'd photographed this family. A close friend of theirs was wondering if he could have permission to use some of his graphic design skills on one of my photos, and print it out for the family... as the dad had just passed away from cancer. Of course I said, "Yes! Please do!" I was so heartbroken to hear about this situation... and it made me realize how important what I do is. I've heard time and time again about how the family photos at a wedding are sometimes the last photos that people will have together.

I'm not here to promote my business, that's not my reasoning for this post at all. I'm simply writing this because I've realized how important and short life is. We have certain people with us for only so long. Whether they pass away, or it's just a season of life that they're around, people impact our lives forever. Yet, many of them have no idea how they've touched our hearts, or how much they've impacted our life.

It is because of this that I'm going to be starting a series called 'Living Eulogy.'

So often, people never hear how important they are. They never realize that the one time they stopped by, just out of the blue, just made your day. Or that the one time they smiled and asked you how you were doing, it was just what you needed. Or the amount of time and hours they've spent on the phone with you, that you needed every one of those moments.

Mondays will be my Living Eulogy post days. Mondays can be a day that drags a bit. They are the start to the work week and people can be a little reluctant to get back to work. I want people to feel a bit of inspiration on Mondays.

I will be writing posts, not in order of importance to me, but prayerfully. I'll be sending a handwritten letter of the same post to whomever it is that I've written the post about.

Whether anyone besides the person I'm writing about reads the post or not, I don't care. I'm writing these publicly, because that is how a eulogy is done. But this is a living eulogy. This is a time for me to say just how important someone is to me. What they have done in my life. Why they matter. The difference they are making.

But I'm doing this with a challenge.

I want to challenge you to tell people what they mean. Don't wait until someday, when you're at that person's funeral, telling all of their loved ones. Tell them now.

Until next time,
Jenny

...dance until we die.

I have a tattoo.
Actually, I have two tattoos.
But for the sake of this blog post, we're starting with, 

"I have a tattoo."

Taken by Natasha Brainard with the iPhone 6

The tattoo was thought up about 7 years ago with one of my best friends: Abby. I also refer to her as Schmabs, in case that comes up later. 

Abby poses for me when we're having a friend date and I find a new photography spot I want to try out.

Anyways, Abby and I had decided years ago to get a tattoo using our favorite line from our favorite road tripping song, Say This Sooner by The Almost (watch the music video here). The line goes, "I love the way that we laugh until we cry... dance until we die." Abby is always laughing, and I'm always dancing around. We decided that would be perfect for us.

Fast forward 7 years... we FINALLY went and got the tattoos together! (At least we knew we wanted really wanted them!)

Getting my tattoo at Just Another Hole in Tulsa, OK!

It's the perfect song for us, and I'm so happy we got it. They're our Best Friend tattoos, and it's all cute and stuff.

BUT.

There is another reason this line applies so much to my life.

I can't tell you how many times God has used my life as an example of a dance.

I love dance. I've been obsessed with ballet since I was the age of 3. It only makes sense that something that has always peaked my interest would be the way God decides to communicate love and a relationship with Him.

Taken by Natasha Brainard with the iPhone 6 (in the most dreamy lighting tonight!)

If I choose to do this dance called 'life' all on my own, it'll probably turn out alright. I'm sure it'll have some pretty parts, and maybe even bring forth an applause or two. I'm sure it would result in countless hours of trying to figure out exactly how to get things done and just how to make sure I do every step just right. It would be a lonely dance, as I'd always be trying to show just how good I really am. Which, honestly, means no one else can join... as they may take away the spotlight.

But, if I choose to do this dance called 'life' with the Master Choreographer; not only will my steps be made for me, with every twirl and step in perfect rhythm; setting me up for the next step. But I'll also be dancing with a world full of people who have been placed in my life at the exact time that I need them to dance with me, beside me, or just on the stage with me.

I'm learning that my life was meant to be choreographed. I'm made to dance with others. I'm made to allow my God to lead me in the most beautiful dance I could ever be a part of. People are going to step in and step out. Some people will step into my life and dance the rest of my dance with me. Some will only be here for a bit. The purpose of my dance is to create a beautiful piece of art that people will watch and see nothing but the Creator.

I want to reflect God in everything I do. I want to respond to people in the way that God would respond to people. I want to dance with people just as God leads me to dance with people.

This tattoo is a reminder of that.

Taken by Natasha Brainard with the iPhone 6

Every time I see this tattoo I'm reminded that my life is not meant to be my own. I don't want to have a "one hit wonder" type of life. I don't want the art and dance steps of it to fade as generations come and go after me. I want every step that I took here on earth to have been a part of the dance that set up someone else for their part. When I can dance with the One who knows the end from the beginning, why wouldn't I want to? I can know that every step will be exactly when and where it should be. I can know that this dance is not my own. It's to reflect the art of my Creator... and that's what I intend to do.

You've probably heard the saying, "Dance like nobody's watching." I like that saying. I realize, for most people, it means that where they'd normally feel weird, they should just do it like no one cares.

But I like to dance like I'm being watched. Dance like I'm being watched by my Heavenly Father. Just like a little girl will put on a dress and twirl for her Daddy, or for anyone who will watch. 

She feels beautiful. She feels loved. She feels like she is something.

I want to live my life beautifully. I want to live my life loved. I want to live my life as something.

And that is why I will dance until I die.

Until next time,

Jenny