I Try Too Hard

I hadn't seen my friend, Bethany, in what felt like years. I was so so excited to sit down at Perkins and talk with her about life; hear how Rochester, NY was treating her, and how everything was going on her end.

She was there when I arrived, and I slid into the booth with her. We ordered some food and I started to fill her in on everything that was happening. God had been doing SO many things in my life, and I just had to tell her about all of the amazing things He was showing me. She'd take a turn to say something that God had been whispering to her heart, and it would remind me of something else He'd recently done in my life, so I'd tell her about that too.

The time with her was so much fun. We laughed. We hugged. We enjoyed one another's company. We said our goodbyes and as I got into my car my heart sank as I had a terrible realization; I selfishly hogged that entire conversation.

I had wanted, so badly, to tell her about all the amazing things going on in my life that I had hardly given her time to open her heart up about one of the things God was doing in hers.

I've done a lot of thinking about this concept, since this moment of realization I had about 8 years ago. It wasn't until today that I realized why.

I try too hard.

I was in my kitchen today, just cleaning, when all of the sudden the Lord whispered to me, gently, "You're too much."

Instantly my instagram profile came into my mind.

"If you want to view paradise, open up your eyes and view it." // Living a story that matters. // Wife. Mom to #LittleATJ. Pastor. Traveler. Photog. 

That's what my description read.

In 25 words I tried to get out everything about who I am. I tried to get anyone who wants to know me or understand me and my heart in one description. I tried to get you to see me. I tried...

I try.

I have seen this as a pattern in my life. I so badly want to make sure that everyone understands my heart. I want to validate myself. I want people to know I'm genuine. I want to make everyone see my intentions are good.

I try.

When someone has come against me and who I am, or questions my integrity, I am so quick to try to show them they're wrong. I will go above and beyond to show them, to GIVE THEM PROOF that my heart was never to hurt anyone. I don't want to be misread, misunderstood, and mistaken for something wrong.

I try.

Yesterday I was reading about Jesus' crucifixion. In Matthew 27:39-44 it says, "Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!” In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! He’s the king of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’" In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him."

It hit me that if JESUS CHRIST, the SON OF GOD had people who came against Him, doubting Him and questioning His heart, His motives, Him, how in the world would I think that people wouldn't question me???

I realized I don't need to try.

I don't need to explain myself to you. I don't need to tell you about all the good things God is doing in my life to make sure that you believe me. I don't need to try to push my heart out there and say, "But look!!! I promise I'm trying to take care of it as best as I can!"

I don't need to try.

I am a daughter of the King. I am loved by the Holy Creator. I am led by Holy Spirit. I am an open vessel before Him.

That is before all other things.

It is out of this that you'll hear me talk about how amazing my God is. It is out of this that you'll see me living my life. It's no longer out of the desire to prove something to you.

It's out of the love that He's already proven to me.

Until next time,
Jenny

Living Eulogy // Cassandra Carrascosa

Our parents met when I was a year and a half old. We've been best friends ever since.

I'm turning 28 in a couple months...

That's just over 26 years that I've known this woman. WHAT???

To have 26 years of memories, laughter, crying and everything in between makes it quite difficult to nail it down to a blog post that isn't a novel.... but I shall try. *Side note: I was hoping to find some childhood photos of us... but my mom thinks they're all in their storage unit. So I did what I could.

Here's us being awesome teenagers!

You'll never find someone like Cassie if you search the whole world over. Cassie is one of the most hard working, artistically driven women I know. She has a vision and a passion that is unlike any I've ever seen. Cassie has pushed and worked so hard to get to where she is, and there are only more amazing things coming in the future.

Cassie has a passion for fine art. More specifically, she has a passion for fine art photography. She attended the Academy of Art University online and worked her butt off to get her graduate. Not only was she putting in 40+ hours a week (I know I'm not even close to the actual number...), she got pregnant twice and had two children during her schooling. She then stayed home with them while her hubby worked a job that was 1 hour away that involved many overnights. But she pushed through and graduated in December of 2013. I got to go out to California with her for her graduation and it was so great!

Cassie & her family live in southern MN and she has had a vision to create fine art furniture pieces. Oh my GOODNESS they're amazing. To see one of her more recent pieces that she envisioned & created as a part of her 'Art With A Past Life' venture, click here. She has chased this. She works relentlessly to make her visions reality.

Cassie has inspired me in so many ways in my life. She pushes me to chase my dreams and make them happen. She shows me what a loving a nurturing mother looks like. She has taught me what it looks like to fight for relationship with your husband when it doesn't always go so smoothly, but how it's always worth it and how God makes them stronger & more in love with one another ever single time. She has always been a source of encouragement, someone who shares the love of God with me every time we talk, every time we write one another.

There are so many areas she's pushed me and inspired me... but this is the one that sticks out the most right now; her drive. Whether it be in her relationship with God, in her relationship with her husband, in her relationship with her children, or her art; she doesn't give up. She doesn't walk away. She sees a vision that has been given to her and she chases it whole-heartedly.

I love you so much Cassie, I have so many more words to say... but I don't even know how to go on and on with them right now. The gratitude I have to God for putting you in my life is something I can't contain. Thank you for all of the bits of wisdom you've given me. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being raw, for being honest. I love you so much more than I'll ever be able to say.

With so much love,

Your BFF - Boy Friend Forever ;)

And just for old time's sake... here's one that we thought was soooooo cool.

To follow Cassie's business Facebook page and keep up with everything she's doing click here!

I Don't Have the Right to be a Parent.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I've looked at Little ATJ and thought, "Seriously... wow."

His "cheesy-grin" that he does on command.

I don't have a right to be a parent.

I have been given the gift of being a parent.

I have been entrusted in raising a little soul into an adult. What I do in his life now will help to determine who he will be forever.

One of my favorite photos captured by Joy Studios this last fall

I think of the things that I value most; things that I have a harder time just lending out to people. Things that have no heart value to me, but mostly monetary. Things like my computer, our cameras, a car. These things I'm still quick to borrow to the right people, but there is still that little thing in the back of my head that says, "Wait... I'll get this back in the same shape... right?" I know they're replaceable... but there is still that quick thought.

I think of that, and then I think about how God gifts us, blesses us, trusts us, with a precious child of His. A child to nurture and take care of. A child that isn't truly ours, but the Father's.

A child.
A LIFE.
Not just a THING.

And He trusts ME. He trusts Joel and me. He has trusted us with what He values most. He trusts us with a little love that is irreplaceable.

That smacks me with a gratitude I've never felt. It overwhelms me with a sense of calling. A pulling. A challenge. Not only that. But a true satisfaction in my place in life.

I want more children. I truly desire it to the core of my being. I was made to be a momma. I know God has promised me more children. I know we will adopt someday, as well.

But if ATJ were the only child I were to ever have, I would truly be ok with that. Not just ok. But OVERWHELMINGLY FILLED WITH GRATITUDE.

I am going to give my everything into being a mother to Little ATJ. I am going to teach him to love the Lord with his whole heart, to let God direct every step. I won't teach him this through words alone, but through my everyday living.

I am going to show him how a woman of God lives and loves her husband, so that he can know what that looks like when he gets older. I'm going to teach him to let God pour through him, to love every person he comes in contact with. I'm going to show him the value he has.

I am going to live a life out of the gratefulness and the caution I feel in raising someone who is not meant for me, but for God. For the world to see Him through my son.

Wow.

What a gift that I've been given.

What a gift.

Treasure the children you've been given. Treasure the value of life you've held. You're blessed beyond measure.

Until next time,
Jenny

Living Eulogy // Kristen Verlennich

As a youth pastor, there are times that you hear people talk about how you're influencing young kids lives. As true as I know this is (I've had youth pastors who very much impacted my life), I don't think people realize how often my life is influenced by those I have the honor of having in my youth group. People don't realize that questions my youth group has raise questions for me too, pushing me to find the answers, or how watching them grow and become their own person is something that challenges me to be a better example of the type of person you should be.

I met Kristen when my brother brought her to our youth group when she was about 13. Her first time there we played the game 'Quelf' and her shy little emo self (I can say that now... right Kristen?) got so embarrassed because she had to wear red lipstick throughout the game and we didn't see her again for another year or so. She claims it had nothing to do with the lipstick... I'm not quite so sure. Thankfully, she did come back.

I'm not 100% sure what initially drew me to Kristen. It may have been her shy personality that intrigued me to get to know her more, to see who she was behind those big blue/green eyes and her sweet smile. It may have been the way she'd sit really quiet until she knew what she wanted to say was important and she'd start off softly, building more confidence as she spoke. It may have been her wonderful taste in clothing and music, listening to bands I knew in high school and college, therefore I deemed her an old soul. (I know... I'm not that old... but for reals)

Whatever it was, we bonded. She became someone I saw as more a friend than a teen in my youth group. Her drive to know God and see Him as He desires to be seen is a challenge to me every time I'm with her. She's got a smile that lights up a room, and one of the cutest laughs you'll ever hear in your life.

I've watched Kristen grow from a little emo scene kid (Kristen, I still have proof you said that... so don't try to argue me!), who didn't know who she was or what she wanted, to an amazing woman of God who is now married to the man her heart longed for. A man who treats her with kindness and grace. A man who loves her for who God created her to be.

 

I got to be a part of my sweet Kristen's wedding day this last September. My husband officiated the wedding, and my brother and I got to tell the story through photos. It was a beautiful and blessed day. One that brought many hearts together to support and love on two people who found their forever love at a young age. What a blessing to go through the majority of your life with the person God has set for you in your path at the perfect time! I'm so proud of them for pursuing God in timing and in relationship. They are two beautiful souls who have become one amazing instrument for the Lord.

Kristen, I'm so proud of you. Words cannot describe the way I feel when I think about the time I've had with you for vinyl and coffee dates, for drives to take photos, and when I watch you walk on the path God has set in front of you. You have learned how to let God guide you, and it is such a beautiful thing. I'm so so SO thankful that I could be even a small part of that. I love you so much Kristen. Thank you for being a part of my life, and for letting me be a part of yours.

Love,

Jenny

Professional photos by Jennifer Christi Photo & Video

Living Eulogy // James Huff

This week's Living Eulogy goes to a man who probably has no idea how much of a big deal he is in my life. He is someone who I've looked up to for a long time. I've appreciated his wit, his smiles and his compliments. This man would be my uncle, James Huff.

My Uncle James is someone I've always looked up to as the older brother I never had. He is so much fun to be around. He was always showing me music I'd never heard of (Beanbag, anyone?), teasing me, and always treating me like I wasn't over a decade younger than him. He would give me baseball and basketball cards and show me his ENORMOUS collection. He even gave me a gigantic stuffed purple bear that I still have in my home, now my son gets to play with it.

Uncle James & my cousin, Kourtney

James is someone who knows how to make you smile. He gets the same twinkle in his eye that my Grandpa Jim gets whenever he starts teasing or telling a little "half-truth". He doesn't always say a whole lot, but when he does, it's always worth listening to.

My uncle went through a couple rough patches in life as I was growing up, and although I wasn't old enough to truly understand, relate or really be there for him, I saw it. I saw the pain in his eyes when we were at a Thanksgiving meal surrounded by family, but without his daughter, and my grandma said, "Let's say what we're thankful for." He slowly pushed his chair back, got up and snuck out of the room without drawing any attention to himself. I saw him as he would come to family gatherings and sit in the corner of the kitchen, baseball hat on with the bill covering his eyes as he looked down, peeling a label off of a pop bottle, not saying a word... keeping as much distance as he could without getting the questions of why he wasn't there. I saw my uncle, who had once been so bubbly, fun & one of my favorite people to be around, become basically a shell any time I was around him.

I don't say this to be a downer, I say this for what's next in this post.

I saw my uncle reach out to God and grab on to Him for all it was worth. I watched as my uncle gave himself, whole-heartedly, to God. He let go of the things he was holding onto so closely in life, and let God take them. He gave God his heart and I watched as God polished that heart, softened it, and brought my uncle back to life. I saw the sparkle start coming back, I heard his laugh again, I had my uncle back!

I've watched as God has mended James into an amazing man who loves the Lord so much. A man who has surrounded himself with people who love and care for him, and who love God. I've heard my Uncle James say, "I realized I didn't have it together, and that I needed to let God have all of it. That I couldn't expect anyone else to fix me. I needed to let God fix me first, then I would be whole." I've been able to see how God brought that perfect person for my Uncle James. Not only did He bring Terra into his life, He brought two more daughters, giving my uncle a beautiful family of 5 (and now a son-in-law, as well as a granddaughter, and another grandson on the way!)

Uncle James, you are an inspiring man. You've shown me how God's love is so much bigger than any problems we face, any situations we get into, and anything we could ever come against. Thank you for always being the older brother my parents never gave me (frankly, I'm happy I get to refer to you as my big brother). Thank you for those conversations we've had, even though they're few and far between. I remember one night when I was riding with you to South Dakota, we just talked the entire way down. There was a lot of laughter, some good advice, and a lot of music. It's one of my fondest memories. Thank you for the random invitations to bonfires. Thank you for the random surprises of baked goods, or even an invite for poutine. I love and appreciate you and your family so much. You have always been a person I've felt so privileged to know and call family. Thank you for being you.

Love,

Jenny

"Thank you."

There are many times that we go through life feeling unappreciated. We feel unloved. We feel unacknowledged. We feel like we work hard and it's to no avail; in our jobs, in our home, in our day to day life.

"...In everything, in every circumstance, do to others as you would have them do to you." Matthew 7:12 (The Voice Bible)

What if we started saying 'Thank you'?

What if we said 'thank you', everyday, to the soldiers who sacrifice their lives for us on the regular, instead of only on the holidays that are devoted to them?

What if we thanked our children for the amazing and good things they do on the regular day to day, instead of only scold them when they're bad?

What if we thanked those who have been put in a position of authority over us, who choose to protect and serve us, instead of just expect them to "do their job"?

What if we thanked that random person who held the subway door open for us to get on the train, or the person who stood an extra 10 seconds to hold the door open into the gas station, instead of rushing past them because we are on a mission?

What if we randomly sent a note of thanks, or a gift, to someone who has helped mold and shape us into the people we are today, instead of just thinking they know that they are part of the reason we are who we are now?

Sometimes it's the fewest words that can make a world of difference.

If we start treating people as we want to be treated, the focus is taken off ourselves and put onto the good in others. Our perspective will change. Our attitude will change. Our lives will change.

And we will change the lives of those around us.

Tell someone "Thank you" today.

Until next time,

Jenny

Living Eulogy // Dianne Swenson

This Living Eulogy post is going to be a little different than most posts I will be sharing. This is to a woman I've met once or twice. A woman that I wouldn't know if she was in a crowd. A woman that I've never held a conversation with that last longer than a minute. A woman that I don't even have a picture of to show you.

This woman is Dianne Swenson.

This woman has changed my life.

Dianne isn't someone who is famous, or has written any sort of life changing book (that I know of). She isn't someone who has spoken at some conference that I attended. She's never even said anything to me that impacted me. (Again, this goes with the fact I've never held a real conversation with her.)

When I was 8 years old I moved to northern Minnesota, to Detroit Lakes, with my family. We began attending a church called Lakes Area Word Fellowship. This church was located in a tiny little town called Vergas. This church is lead by an amazing man of God; Larry Vosika.

My family became a part of this church and I spent the next 8 years attending Sunday and Wednesday services, prayer nights, drama team, youth group, special speakers, the list goes on. If the doors were open, my family was most likely there. Our pastor though, he was there all the time. If he wasn't there, he was out with someone from the church. He has devoted his time, love and self to the members of his church. Larry has changed the lives of many, MANY people. I'm included in that.

"Jenny, you were talking about Dianne."

Yes, yes I was.

Dianne is Larry's sister.

Every so often, you'll hear Pastor Larry talk about his sister. You'll hear him talk about how, when he was in a TERRIBLE place in life, she prayed for him. You'll hear him give credit to her for the fact that he came to know Jesus. You'll hear him talk about how she was the one who brought him to God. She was the one who showed him the love of God and loved him to Jesus.

If it wouldn't have been for Dianne, Pastor Larry would, most likely, not be the pastor at Lakes Area Word Fellowship. He would, most likely, not have impacted the hundreds and hundreds of lives that he has with the love of God. He would, most likely, not have brought so many people to God.

Dianne prayed. Dianne loved. Dianne prayed.

So often, I don't feel like prayer is enough. I think to myself, 'Well, I guess all I can do is pray.' 

What?! 

I'm learning that prayer is so much more powerful than I've ever imagined. I've begun to see, more and more, how prayer is THE ANSWER. It's never the final straw. We should be doing everything prayerfully! Philippians 4:6 & 7 says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Prayer makes such a difference. And then going that step further. Not only praying TO God, but listening too. Not only saying words to Him, asking Him for things, but allowing Him to show you what to do! Its out of those instructions that you will begin to impact the right people. You'll be love to everyone. You just might change the world.

I've recently been learning about a man named Barnabas. I was listening to an AMAZING sermon by Kris Vallotton from Bethel Church [click here to hear it yourself!] and he began talking about Barnabas.

Barnabas believed in Paul (at that time, Saul). Barnabas saw the potential that God had placed in this man named Saul. This man had killed tens of thousands of Christians (Kris compares him to a modern day ISIS), and one day Jesus appears to him and he turns from his ways, wants to get in with the apostles, and become one of them! Could you imagine the confusion? The worry? These apostles had no idea of Saul was sincere or not!

Barnabas knew.

Barnabas knew that God had a plan for him. He went with Paul and traveled with him, bringing him to the apostles and standing up for him, showing them that Paul meant what he said about his life change.

Barnabas never wrote one chapter in the Bible. However, there are 13 books in the Bible that wouldn't be there, had it not been for Barnabas.

Dianne is a Barnabas. Dianne has impacted and changed hundreds, maybe even thousands, of lives because of the belief that she had in Larry. Dianne is a world changer.

I frequently think about the people who are Barnabas'; the person that led Billy Graham to the Lord, Smith Wigglesworth's wife, the words spoken to Kenneth Hagin Sr., the love shared with Todd White. All of these people have impacted hundreds of thousands of lives, because of the one person they touched.

What a testimony. What an amazing story. What a beautiful thing.

Thank you, Dianne. Thank you for praying for your brother. Thank you for showing him the love of the God that you know so well. Thank you for seeing something more in him. Thank you for changing the lives of hundreds and hundreds of people. I know you give God the credit, but He needed a vessel to work through. Thank you for being obedient. You have made an impact.

Love,

Jenny